Never disappoint your audience: rule one of lasting success

And if you must, do everything to fake you really care about your audience (video: Georges Michael parody). Dedicated to a former local friend who was forced to fake who she really was too. Would you renounce your true nature or beliefs for cash?

Antwerp, a gay city: instructions for visitors

As mentioned on antwerppride.com, Antwerp is “Europe’s gay harbour”, so as a native I feel the natural urge to provide some essential instructions for visitors. Obviously, being a straight visitor can be a confusing endeavour in this gay town, so just follow my steps and don’t get into trouble. [Note: all shots taken outside the Antwerp Navigaytion 2009 grounds - 2008 images and video]

Upon disembarking from your cruise-liner, you will notice a huge sign stating “Antwerp, gay”. It’s considered courteous to have your picture taken right in front of this gay entrance sign. So even if you’re Muslim, straight & just married, only walking your dog or strolling with your 3 yo child: please, follow the rules – this is a respected gay town and we adhere to a zero tolerance policy. [My photo: the entrance to the gay city of Antwerp, Belgium, right above the cruise terminal). OK, all clear, you're in and safe, for the time being.

Next: obligatory rules of engagement. When strolling along the riverbanks, you will notice a huge number of semi-naked muscle males and individuals of undetermined sex. Approach with caution, but please, keep smiling! Being gay, some of the Antwerp natives will try to touch you or show you "what they've got": no panic, just go with the flow and stay safe! [My photo: staying safe when engaging the gay Antwerp natives. Notice how even the elderly dress 'wild'. ]

Common mistakes: gender confusion or assuming the gay locals are trying to ’seduce’ you. Warning: the Antwerp locals (both male & just having a break, on my shot below) only care for themselves (memorize this word: “narcissism”) and their attempts to show off have no emotional connotation whatsoever. In their world, you’re only a throw-away toy. So behave like one and stay safe, capito?

Entertainment & appropriate behaviour is another confusing issue for visitors to the gay city of Antwerp. Yes, it is perfectly OK to board a vessel with 200 semi-naked men/women dancing, but please, dress appropriately! Also, in case you don’t comply with physical minimal conformity standards your stay in Gay Antwerp might become a very short one. My pictures below: left: appropriate dress and show-off attitude. Right: totally unacceptable “let’s look at the zoo animals” gazing behaviour from straight visitors – warning: you may be deported

Anyway, I hope your visit to gay Antwerp will be an enjoyable one (provided you follow our zero tolerance policy towards non-tolerance, obviously). Just in case you wanted to enjoy a non-gay romantic river view, or visit our  “steen” (“stone”) castle museum that used to house the national Belgian maritime museum: sorry folks, it’s been turned into a drag queen venue. But hey, don’t let that spoil the fun: visit the gay port of Antwerp, the most liberal gay town on the face of the planet (I’m sorry, this write up was posted under duress   )

Belgian elections: the best-paid, weirdest and most indifferent politicians in parliament

Vanderpoorten: queen of cumulation: €342,270

Belgian local (=non federal) elections are just around the corner, along with the EU elections on June 7th. During previous campaigns I had no trouble finding a candidate worthy of my vote, knowing that Belgium is ruled by a mind-blowing multitude of ever changing coalition governments – no matter who you voted for, rest assured you will never get anything even remotely resembling the platform you picked in the ballot box.

Hermans: "let's castrate addicts": our funniest politician

The overall current trend is an overtly visible swing towards more conservatism, more hard-line “me first” programs, in a society that has become colder and ever more distant since the recession struck many of us. The crash of 2008 painfully showed how impotent politicians really are.

So this year I skipped the rhetoric and made the only sensible move: check what the (Dutch speaking) election candidates actually did in 2008 during their neverending sessions. Feel free to do the same at the Belgian parliament evaluation website by a national newspaper  (in English by Google).

There were no real surprises, although I’m still puzzled why my former, mediocre history teacher turned Minister Vanderpoorten now makes €342,270 a year (MP, parliament speaker and mayor, working a stunning three goverment “jobs”), why former overweight singer Hermans feels that “addicts should be castrated” (she’s no longer welcome in any bar, it appears), or even more surprising, why Antwerp mayor Janssens hardly ever showed up in parliament at all.  Extremist and populist parties will get +50% of the local votes, making me feel ever more uneasy about our future. High taxes, polical instability: way to go Belgium. Are you better off?

The real Temptation Island, Belgian edition

[tv-show ad courtesy www.humo.be] I’m desperately trying to locate the subliminal message hidden in this ad.

Elvis fans shocked by Belgian 2009 Eurovision song contest entry

I doubt whether hardcore Elvis fans will enjoy Belgium’s entry for the Eurovision song contest 2009, next May in Moscow: “copycat”. “He’s too fat to rock and roll”, with additional references to “rich and arrogant”, Priscilla, well, you get the picture. “Belgium: 0 points”?

Plane crashes explained in one simple image

Let’s just hope that “TC” meant “Training Center” and not “Traffic Control” for the AA visitor who was reading my blog today

[Disclaimer: this post was written after observing one hour of mindless drivel on FOX tv, USA. It must be contagious.]

Turkey 2008: the Muslim cartoons

During these cold Belgian winter months browsing through my summer vacation photos and videos often makes me discover a rare gem, one that I’d overlooked while processing over 1,000 shots and numerous videos. You may recall that I spent September of 2008 in and around Bodrum, Turkey, the undisputed crown of the Turkish Riviera, harboring expensive yachts, an upscale local (sometimes topless) beach clientèle, along with a most amusing mix of Muslim traditions with Turkish everyday commercial reality, anno 2008.

[My video:] Don’t you love the way these enterprising Turks know what really counts ? I couldn’t help but smile at this Bodrum cartoon artist, totally ignoring the Muslim invitation to start praying emanating from the Mosque behind him. He kept on drawing his hilarious but provocative cartoons, admired by tourists. Business first, just like in my friendly local Turkish corner shop.

The day Santa Claus short-circuited Antwerp

It’s a well-known fact politicians just love Santa. Much like themselves, Santa is overflowing with promises he can’t deliver, with a jolly “ho-ho-ho” attitude that conspicuously sounds like the verbal diarrhea most politicians are famous for. So we weren’t exactly surprised that when Santa came to Antwerp last Friday, our local dignitaries fell over each other for a chance to accompany his glittering golden coach, drawn by two snow white horses. The gold was, in line with all expectations, fake. But I digress.

Let me rewind to the moment Santa arrived at Antwerp Central station, a sumptuous 1900 style railway cathedral. I’m not sure how Santa reached your happy town (in a Hummer?), but given we’re European we do prefer the more classic touch.  Suitable transportation meant a golden ride along the golden shopping mile, making convenient stops to push strategically positioned buttons, a generous act that lit up the exclusive upscale Antwerp shopping center, much like the legalized prostitution mega-complex near my home. As long there are flashing lights, people have a natural tendency to get into a suitable mindset. Stop me from digressing any further here.

Anyway, by the time Santa finally arrived at the Christmas village in front of Antwerp cathedral (a weird mix of seasonal XXX “marzipan penises”, “fresh juicy sheep bones for your dog” and 100 “eat until you drop” stands) my hands were virtually frozen, but trust me, I kept on following the camera crews from the mainstream media like a bloodhound, taking pictures until my finger went into stand-by mode.

Obviously, I did not miss the grand finale when Philip Heylen, alderman for Tourism of Antwerp (surrounded by more cops than a presidential candidate) finally allowed Santa to make his Christmas market speech, glorifying the benefits of a multi-cultural town. When my elderly neighbor suddenly loudly shouted she had been “mugged yet again in his multicultural shit city”, police gently escorted her away. Hey, if you start doubting the magic promised by the Antwerp PR dept, you will be assimilated , like in  “When the truth starts to hurt, it’s time to remove it”. Although that may sound like a GW Bush statement, I did make it up myself. Really. Before I forget: when Santa pushed the “lights on” button, half the Antwerp Christmas market short-circuited, including the traditional 1900 era merry-go-round. An omen, for sure.

The evening ended with more seasonal glamor, with Philip Heylen opening the “Christmas funfair”, a most bizarre 2008 concept involving a giant Ferris wheel on the riverbanks, along with the banned booze-stands and a number of totally unseasonal fun rides (care to be “shaken upside down” at high speed in the freezing cold? Antwerp city believes you’ll love it).

The evening came to a spectacular close when Antwerp mayor Patrick Janssens (ex marketing company CEO) opened the city hall ice skating rink, with countless party members visitors waving glittering firework sticks. I for one preferred not to burn my fingers and had a free cup of  instant soup, followed by a  60° proof liquor donated by the Norwegian embassy, those nice folks who provide the yearly tree in front of Antwerp cathedral [more seasonal opening night photos to follow asap].

When Santa almost crashed trying to skate a few meters/yards in that drag queen suite of his, I knew it was really time to go home.

I can only assume your Santa experience has been slightly more traditional, but do let me know if it wasn’t.

Shocker: Flemish Liberation Army against Freedom launches bomb website

Belgium is in total shock after the FLAAF (the “Flemish Liberation Army Against Freedom”) launched a horrific website in English tonight (screen shot above, check out www.flaaf.be), featuring three bone-shilling terror videos (in Arabic, with Dutch sub-titles).  Whereas the “axis of evil” video will send shivers down your spine, watching “smart bomb” and the “Vulcan of justice” will make you sick to your stomach (but stay informed: watch these atrocities now!) . Obviously, Belgium immediately raised the “homeland security level” to red, so make sure to check out the horrendous videos over at www.flaaf.be.

Belgians upset with “From my ass I can see Belgium” Sarkozy – Palin prank call

Belgians were really upset when the fake French president Sarkozy claimed/2:30 “from my ass I can see Belgium” to US gov Sarah Palin
He may have wanted to say “from my house I can see Belgium”, but who cares when you’re talking to the “evil queen of Alaska”.

Sources claim the Belgian government strongly protested to the McCain campaign when informed that US gov Sarah Palin gave an affirmative reply to fake president Sarkozy when he stated that “from my ass I can see Belgium”. Even though the McCain campaign has not commented on this significant issue, anyone who agrees with the statement that “Belgium can be seen from someone’s ass” should be institutionalized or given immediate psychiatric care.

The fact that clueless Palin took the call apparently induced a severe diplomatic row between Canada, the USA, France and Belgium, with each country blaming the other for the degrading ‘Belgium can be seen from someone’s ass’ remarks.