Never disappoint your audience: rule one of lasting success

And if you must, do everything to fake you really care about your audience (video: Georges Michael parody). Dedicated to a former local friend who was forced to fake who she really was too. Would you renounce your true nature or beliefs for cash?

Antwerp: erotic underwear model promotes riding a bike

During national car-free day last weekend, Antwerp city used this “woman” dressed in erotic underwear to promote “riding a bike” near the riverbanks. She gave me a free photo shoot, although several shots are way too provocative to post at this place.

Come on guys, try riding a bike dressed like this

The one breasted Belgian TV guide

Belgian HUMO TV-guide

If you’re American, I’m sure you’re familiar with TV guide, a publication that has probably been the best selling weekly in the US for decades. If you’re living in Dutch speaking Belgium, the equivalent is HUMO, the top-selling TV guide for over 50y.

And look what HUMO put on their cover last month: a model showing one exposed breast, while holding the other. Apparently they featured one short article stressing some apparent controversy surrounding the excesses in preventive breast cancer screening.

Caption: “Have your breasts checked”. Hey guys, it may be warm, but try to be honest: this is Belgium in 2009: using the oldest trick in the book won’t cut it.  My brother’s young daughter made a poignant remark upon watching this cover: “why is this lady only holding one breast daddy? “. Yes indeed, why is she?

[This post is dedicated to all those female ànd male tourists at the local 'clothing optional' beaches I frequently visit during the summer, tourists who conveniently forget that at a certain age, it might be wise to cover up. Obviously, I'm also catering to a part of my corporate audience obsessed with the word "breast". I'll try to surprise you asap with a witty, intelligent, artistic post that will leave you all gasping for air, but right now it's a hot day without AC in August - my brain will remain on stand-by for some time. ] [More seasonal bad taste pictures from Belgian TV guide Humo]

Antwerp gay pride & Navigaytion 2009: drunken queens on a boat

Quote from the ‘Antwerp Pride’ website:  www.antwerppride.com (check out event promo video 1, video 2)
“The city of Antwerp, clubs, cafés, fetish bars, erotic shops, bookshops, museums, LGBT organisations welcome you and your friends to Antwerp for the second edition of Antwerp Pride. Join ten thousands of visitors for an unforgettable pride weekend in Europe’s gay harbour, Antwerp. The combined forces of the large gay community and the support of the city of Antwerp will ensure another exciting edition.” Europe’s gay harbour? Someone must be joking. (But even the Russians in the Ukraine covered it]

OK, take two, now without the “we just love an influx of 30,000 cash-spending tourists, and we would bend over backwards to attract them, even if they came from Uranus” PR:  ‘Antwerp Pride 2009 is a yearly gay event that focuses on its highlight, Navigaytion 2009, a commercial “drunken queens showing off on ten riverboats” event surrounded by numerous huge parties, an open air fetish & leather-scene show and countless activities where gay emancipation has long been replaced by cashing-in on the influx of gay tourists.

If you care for my 2008 Navigaytion pictures and video, feel free to check them out.  Just added: some 2009 shots

[Update June 27, 10 pm: I just returned from Navigaytion, having taken 300 shots from the elevated riverbanks. Blazing sunshine, friendly & wild, be it with much less visitors. I was overcome by a "I've seen this too many times" feeling: people enjoying the culture of unadulterated narcissism in open air. The crowded was mixed (though +90% gay) with a yearly 'let's peek at this weird gay zoo" part where a large crowd of tourists and locals gazed at (and photographed) the Navigaytion crowd from the elevated riverside terraces. At times, it became funny, though slightly embarrassing. Anyway, Navigaytion 2009 turned out to be a predictable, perfect carbon-copy of its 2008 edition. "]</

Boobs for votes: Belgian boob election ad causes a stir

“Do you vote right or left-wing?” this unusual Belgian billboard poster inquires. The remarkable poster campaign, at first glance designed by Antwerp ad agency/magazine publisher Think Media for the “Flanders votes” weblog [in English, translated by Google] drew a lot of attention (surprise..) but finally resulted in a formal ad council complaint [in English, translated by Google] by two local women who felt this public street ad, currently all over Antwerp on huge billboards for clint.be was inappropriate and in breach of common public decency standards. The complaint is, well, “pending”. Are your billboard ads this “outspoken”?

Antwerp city to sponsor Gay Pride 2009, alongside extreme sex clubs

I’m quite upset reading that my “beloved” city of Antwerp is once again an official sponsor of the Antwerp Gay Pride 2009, a predominantly commercial event where gay emancipation has long been replaced by cashing-in on the influx of gay tourists. But what I, and a majority of responsible gay Antwerp citizens cannot fathom is the need to stand alongside extreme-sex fetish events such as A hard Night, featuring some clubs that have a bad track record or are just notorious for the unsafe sex practices of their visitors.

Dear city of Antwerp, do you actually realize that you are sharing a bed with sleazy clubs such as The Kinky’s, a private, gay, extreme fetish club? [Update: Antwerp pride removed the link after discovering  this post...] Many of us are utterly shocked, especially since this way Antwerp City indirectly appears to endorse extreme sex clubs catering to a livestyle that is bound to spread STDs and potentially even HIV.  The fact that safe-sex advocate organization “Sensoa” is also one of the sponsors makes this Antwerp Gay Pride 2009 event utterly unreal.

[Tragic note: in 1999 a Belgian court judge was fired after engaging in SM with his own wife. He even lost his civil rights. Ten years later the city of Antwerp is endorsing an open air SM and fetish fair near the prestigious city marina next June. Weird, isn't it?]

We, the majority of responsible gay Antwerp citizens urge everyone to contact the city of Antwerp to object to their sponsorship.

The Antwerp 500,000 New Year’s drink

Imagine living in a town of 500,000 inhabitants. Imagine throwing a “New Year’s party”, well, just call it a casual drink for the inhabitants, offered by the city. Imagine inviting over all the inhabitants. That’s exactly what Antwerp City just did: tomorrow, Sunday Jan 11 2009, every local is welcome to come over and have a free drink in front of city hall. “Every”, like in every inhabitant out of 500,000.  Let’s just hope some of them stay at home [Image courtesy Antwerp City Marketing, photo taken 11 Jan 2008 ]

The day Santa Claus short-circuited Antwerp

It’s a well-known fact politicians just love Santa. Much like themselves, Santa is overflowing with promises he can’t deliver, with a jolly “ho-ho-ho” attitude that conspicuously sounds like the verbal diarrhea most politicians are famous for. So we weren’t exactly surprised that when Santa came to Antwerp last Friday, our local dignitaries fell over each other for a chance to accompany his glittering golden coach, drawn by two snow white horses. The gold was, in line with all expectations, fake. But I digress.

Let me rewind to the moment Santa arrived at Antwerp Central station, a sumptuous 1900 style railway cathedral. I’m not sure how Santa reached your happy town (in a Hummer?), but given we’re European we do prefer the more classic touch.  Suitable transportation meant a golden ride along the golden shopping mile, making convenient stops to push strategically positioned buttons, a generous act that lit up the exclusive upscale Antwerp shopping center, much like the legalized prostitution mega-complex near my home. As long there are flashing lights, people have a natural tendency to get into a suitable mindset. Stop me from digressing any further here.

Anyway, by the time Santa finally arrived at the Christmas village in front of Antwerp cathedral (a weird mix of seasonal XXX “marzipan penises”, “fresh juicy sheep bones for your dog” and 100 “eat until you drop” stands) my hands were virtually frozen, but trust me, I kept on following the camera crews from the mainstream media like a bloodhound, taking pictures until my finger went into stand-by mode.

Obviously, I did not miss the grand finale when Philip Heylen, alderman for Tourism of Antwerp (surrounded by more cops than a presidential candidate) finally allowed Santa to make his Christmas market speech, glorifying the benefits of a multi-cultural town. When my elderly neighbor suddenly loudly shouted she had been “mugged yet again in his multicultural shit city”, police gently escorted her away. Hey, if you start doubting the magic promised by the Antwerp PR dept, you will be assimilated , like in  “When the truth starts to hurt, it’s time to remove it”. Although that may sound like a GW Bush statement, I did make it up myself. Really. Before I forget: when Santa pushed the “lights on” button, half the Antwerp Christmas market short-circuited, including the traditional 1900 era merry-go-round. An omen, for sure.

The evening ended with more seasonal glamor, with Philip Heylen opening the “Christmas funfair”, a most bizarre 2008 concept involving a giant Ferris wheel on the riverbanks, along with the banned booze-stands and a number of totally unseasonal fun rides (care to be “shaken upside down” at high speed in the freezing cold? Antwerp city believes you’ll love it).

The evening came to a spectacular close when Antwerp mayor Patrick Janssens (ex marketing company CEO) opened the city hall ice skating rink, with countless party members visitors waving glittering firework sticks. I for one preferred not to burn my fingers and had a free cup of  instant soup, followed by a  60° proof liquor donated by the Norwegian embassy, those nice folks who provide the yearly tree in front of Antwerp cathedral [more seasonal opening night photos to follow asap].

When Santa almost crashed trying to skate a few meters/yards in that drag queen suite of his, I knew it was really time to go home.

I can only assume your Santa experience has been slightly more traditional, but do let me know if it wasn’t.

Shocker: Flemish Liberation Army against Freedom launches bomb website

Belgium is in total shock after the FLAAF (the “Flemish Liberation Army Against Freedom”) launched a horrific website in English tonight (screen shot above, check out www.flaaf.be), featuring three bone-shilling terror videos (in Arabic, with Dutch sub-titles).  Whereas the “axis of evil” video will send shivers down your spine, watching “smart bomb” and the “Vulcan of justice” will make you sick to your stomach (but stay informed: watch these atrocities now!) . Obviously, Belgium immediately raised the “homeland security level” to red, so make sure to check out the horrendous videos over at www.flaaf.be.

“If it stinks, you must be in Antwerp”

I’ve always cultivated a healthy “show me the merchandise” attitude towards people/bloggers who claim to be “artists”.  Sure, some artworks can almost bring tears to my eyes, while other wannabes are only a legend in their own minds. Quite often there’s nothing but a thin line between a true budding artist and the online (yawn) dabbling of self-acclaimed blog stars, surrounding themselves with a dedicated but basically clueless “oh, that is amaaaazin” hardcore base of comment groupies who will cry “masterpiece!” at any triviality posted.

But it can get worse. CNews Canada reports that the much acclaimed Antwerp artist Jan Fabre “Spring is on its way” exhibit at Antwerp’s MuHKA museum of contemporary art is causing more than a stir, it’s actually emitting a real foul smell that makes paying visitors almost vomit on the spot. [Image Courtesy Antwerp modern art museum]

Quote: “ANTWERP, Belgium – Belgian conceptual artist Jan Fabre is creating another big stink in the art world. And more than a few museum-goers are expressing their distaste after touring Fabre’s “Spring is on its way” exhibit at Antwerp’s MuHKA museum of contemporary art. It consists of onions and potatoes hung from the ceiling in condoms and the vegetables are, well, spoiling.

Museum spokeswoman Kathleen Weyts defends the exhibit, saying that like many of his works, Fabre’s latest effort is “about transformation and metamorphosis.” But the local media reports that many visitors, not to mention museum guards, are protesting the smelly display, which has now become the talk of the town.”

So next time someone posts an “artwork”, make sure to smell the merchandise before you comment “great!”