It’s a sunny day in Antwerp, Belgium, but I’m outraged. Like you may or may not know: I’m gay, living in a committed long term relationship with my male partner (who I only wish I’d see more often these days: his life has become hectic). Belgium is one of those rare countries offering its gay citizens full equal rights: gay marriage, gay adoption, legal protection against bigotry, along with a tolerant, liberal population without the classic overwhelming “it’s a sin” Christian religious attitude. Sure, we have right-wing bigotry and migrant Muslim intolerance towards gay citizens, but in general, people adhere to the live and let live attitude.
Unfortunately, my parents broke that “in general” rule. While long having accepted my male partner, they recently decided that my grandfather’s 300,000 euro ($400,000) house, a part of my expected inheritance and originally for sale, “could serve best” as the home of my straight brother, since they totally adored watching his ever growing family live near their suburban home. To make it all legal, they hired a property lawyer who came up with a waterproof construction. Upon confronting my folks with this shockingly unequal treatment, my father smiled and claimed he was convinced I felt just fine in my (rented) riverside penthouse, totally ignoring reality. I didn’t push to get to the bottom of it all, my parents had made a very clear, “not to be discussed” choice.
So here I am, still somewhat stunned, wondering how to react when being invited by my charming ’straight’ brother to check out his new home and enjoy the company of his (quite adorable) family, as if nothing had changed… You know, this hurts, watching how my parents made clear they prefer having their grandchildren close, even if it means basically ignoring the needs of their gay son.
Like a gay friend of mine used to say: “no matter how many laws, no matter how much tolerance, we will often remain second class citizens”. This “second class citizen” not only lost part of his inheritance, but much more important, I lost part of the love of my parents.
[Update: I got a message from a fellow blogger urging me to post more upbeat, more 'positively entertaining' write-ups. With countless great summer pictures/memories I'm quite able to follow that road, but when reality bites I feel the need to blog about that reality. Upbeat, 'positively entertaining' write-up coming up. But I grew up in the green suburbia and had intended to return there now that I'm 'all grown up'. The incident above will make that virtually impossible. Update 2: "what made you happiest all these years", my partner asked me, "the houses you lived in or the people who cared about you?". Guess I'm OK now."]
This blog is not affiliated with or endorsed by the city of Antwerp, Belgium.
My older son is gay.. he told me 3 years ago right before I had my second baby …
and Casey has the most wonderful partner on earth…
I was shocked at first … but all I want is for him to be happy… his dad still does not know…
(I honestly had not known of any gay people in my life until I moved to Vegas when I was 37)
and I do think gays should be able to make decisions for each other and get the same benefits in “civil unions”… for sure…
I was born and raised in a very strict Catholic family…. so I pray for the afterlife.
[Blog author: "Terri, I'm convinced your son is a lucky guy: he apparently has a wonderful partner who cares for him and a mother who will stand by him, even though you were raised in a very strict Catholic family. There are lots of gay couples who cherish their faith and their family. Obviously, love is a two way street, so I hope your husband will one day understand that his son is so much more than his sexual orientation. Thanks for commenting. "]
Comment by Terri — November 6, 2008 @ 2:53 pm |
This is terrible my friend, please know you’re a first class friend in my book.
[Blog author: "Thanks for the support from across the Atlantic Van. Much appreciated. "]
Comment by furiousball — November 6, 2008 @ 3:28 pm |
Well, I sort of know how you feel…
I’m married with a wonderful wife, and she has two kids from a previous relationship. The kids were reasonably young when I moved in (the youngest only six months old), and they were instantly accepted by both my parents and grandparents: to my grandmother they were (and still are) equal to her other great-grandchildren. My parents became instant grandparents… until the day my brother got a kid of his own and they got their first “real” grandchild.
Now I won’t say that my parents don’t love my children (yes, I do call them my children: I’ve cared for them for eleven years), but there is a difference towards mine and my brother’s kid. Normal, maybe… but it does hurt a bit – my wife is very upset by this fact, as we are medically unable to conceive and we’ll never have the same “respect” as my brother’s and his wife have.
Different circumstances, same feeling I think… So my heart goes out to you!
[Blog author: "Thanks for the support Sven. It's indeed a very similar feeling: like yourself I never chose not to have children, nature decided I would never be a dad. Much like in your family, my brother and his wife got "respect" for being able to conceive. And a 300,000 euro house to rub it in. "]
Comment by Sven — November 6, 2008 @ 7:56 pm |
This sucks! As long as people think being gay is a “choice” and not just who you are-there will be discrimination. The current banning of gay marriage in California has made me more ashamed to be a Californian than Bush made me ashamed as an American! I can’t understand the pain you must be going through on a personal level right now-but politically as a woman and mother of two daughters (and a son) I know how it feels to get paid less for the same work-just because I have a v@@ina.
We still have a long way to go.
[Blog author: "Indeed Jessica. While this was (and still is) discrimination on a personal level, I imagine it must be even worse when it becomes or stays institutionalized, like in "that's the way we handle women/gays over here".
I was stunned reading Proposition 8 made it, banning gay marriage in California. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/California_Proposition_8_(2008)#Cultures_of_influence shows who voted to ban gay marriage. People with a 'traditional' background apparently dislike gay marriage in CA.
We still have a long way to go, even in relatively tolerant Belgium. "]
Comment by Jessica — November 6, 2008 @ 7:58 pm |
I’m forced to ask this question: Even if you were straight, and living with a woman, and all other things being equal, do you think your parents would have made the same decision? Are there other things that lead you to believe that it is your being gay that pushed them into this direction? Are they using the grandkids as an excuse, do you think?
I am sorry if I’m playing devils advocate, but if they have accepted your partner long ago as you say, why do you think this is in reaction to your being gay, as opposed to say, you being childless? If you were living with a woman and had no kids, would they have reacted the same way?
Also, how will this affect your relationship with your brother, or is that a non-issue?
[Blog author: "The basic issue is probably the fact that I'm childless - my brother's offspring brings them joy and a feeling of 'not really being old'. But even before my brother had children there were differences: when I needed a ride to the airport my dad always happened to be busy, my brother got that ride. It's basically a long list.
They were/are very accepting of me and my partner during family gatherings, but this 'we like him $400,000 more than you' totally baffled me, especially since they just did it, without discussion or family gathering. I'm still kind of upset but intend to visit my brother soon. "]
Comment by Mr. Nighttime — November 6, 2008 @ 11:00 pm |
This is a really shitty thing for them to do, but I hope it doesn’t sour your (presumably good) relationship with your brother and his family.
[Blog author: "I will see him soon Simon and will try to make an effort our relationship remains as good as possible. I'm not sure sure how though: it's clear both my father/brother knew what they were doing - EURO 300,000 is no birthday present. Like you can imagine, when parents give away a house (that should have been sold) to one child, tensions tend to mount.
I discussed it with my partner and we're lost for words. 'Try "This is a great place", said my partner with a smile, but it basically all remains kind of awkward. My grandparents never could have wanted this to happen."]
Comment by simonlitton — November 7, 2008 @ 9:54 am |
I’m in shock!!! Maar het probleem ligt bij uw ouders naar mijn mening! Zij erven het huis van grootva en pas als zij dood zijn kun je aanspraak maken op het huis (mits het dan niet verkocht werd)
[Blog author: "Fré (who is clearly Dutch-speaking) pointed out my parents caused the problem (sure, they did) since this is no inheritance issue: they (legally) handed over my granddad's house to my brother while they are still alive."]
Comment by Fré — November 7, 2008 @ 12:03 pm |
You should have been born into my family. My brother is a ballet dancer and until recently it was assumed he was gay (he recently got engaged to a woman but it really makes no difference to me who he marries as long as the person treats him well). When a relative recently left my parents some money with the instructions to split a certain amount between my brother and I, my parents decided that he should get the entire amount because his life is harder due to his nontraditional lifestyle. Fine with me, and I’m happy he got the money but I would have liked some too! I’m actually surprised that my brother chose to keep the entire amount because if I had been given all of it, I would have sent him half. Things like this just cause me to make a mental note so I don’t do the same to my kids some day (hopefully!) I’m sorry this happened to you. You must have felt so hurt when they did this. That’s how I felt anyway.
[Blog author: "An amazing experience Tori: being given all the cash just because 'his life is harder due to his nontraditional lifestyle' - just stunning. I recall a comment by Veronica over at http://www.v-grrrl.com, where she postulated that she only believed in the unconditional love between a parent and a child. After both mine and your experiences with our parents we can only observe that parents can behave in a way none of us would ever have expected.
I truly believe my parents gave my brother this outrageous "EURO 300,000 present" mainly because 1) his offspring brought them joy and the fulfilling feeling of being grandparents 2) his happy family fitted better in their social life: people still fundamentally expect that everyone is straight - a silly idea, but just look around, it's a fact of life: we all expect our own children to be straight. I'm sorry to hear your brother behaved this greedy. When money is involved, people will often forget all about family ties and just "go for the cash". My brother could have said: "well, it would be better to sell granddad's house and split the proceeds", but obviously, he didn't. Thanks for sharing. "]
Comment by tori — November 7, 2008 @ 3:36 pm |
This is a horrible situation to be in. I cannot imagine the pain it has caused. I have a family member who is adopted and gay and could never understand why some other family members thought she should be any less in the family circle because of either issue.
[Blog author: "I can totally empathize with your family member Violet: losing part of my granddad's house house was obviously a most unpleasant surprise, but the feeling of being considered to be a 'less significant son' was harder. Thanks for commenting. "]
Comment by VioletSky — November 7, 2008 @ 10:21 pm |
oh oh oh… it’s not my current husband that doesn’t know about Casey.. it’s Casey’s biological father (who is a big jerk) … Mike, my husband is totally wonderful about everything…
anyway.. I had to respond to your comment on my blog (since I don’t have your email)
It can get worse Terri:
“I live in Belgium where banks have gone “all electronic” early this century”
I have been totally wondering if something like that was coming our way!! But all I keep thinking… is NO WAY!! But… oh my gosh… it sounds like it is possible.
[Blog author: "Thanks for clearing that up Terri (and I'll get you my email). As for the 'all electronic banking' issue: well, it's saving banks lots of cash, so expect more "do it yourself" banking in the US now that banks are cost-cutting like crazy worldwide. "]
Comment by Terri — November 8, 2008 @ 2:54 pm |