In “Beat the odds”, an Australian dating service explains why single women seem unable to find suitable partners these days: doing the maths their way, there appear virtually no eligible bachelors left. Are/were you single and did you go through similar experiences? Do share your stories, who knows who you might be able to assist in beating the odds
This blog is not affiliated with or endorsed by the city of Antwerp, Belgium.
I don’t believe in “one true love” or “soulmates” or any of that. If you think there’s only ONE person in the world who is right for you, you’re going to have a much harder time finding someone to love. You’ll be second-guessing yourself constantly. Is he/she The One? If you believe in The One, than you’re going to be confused and upset every time you start to fall in love. Who needs that pressure?
You’ll love many people in the course of your life and love them for different reasons. Chances are you could marry and make a life with any of the good people that you love. The question to ask yourself isn’t who is your One True Love but who is the partner most likely to help you live the life you envision for yourself.
Comment by V-Grrrl — November 2, 2007 @ 11:16 pm |
I don’t believe in The One either V, and I like the upfront way you approach this issue.
It’s truly a questions of goals: while love is obviously a very good way to start off with, having a mutual goal in a relationship is much more likely to keep a couple together.
Unfortunately, this YouTube video does touch a raw nerve though: many women (especially those with a full time professional career) no longer succeed in finding male partners in these hectic days. We’re no spring chickens, but I often hear Antwerp women in their 30s stating that “all good men are really taken”.
Anyone who feels left behind or is getting fed up with guys that seem to live on another planet?
Comment by Peter — November 2, 2007 @ 11:34 pm |
Lordy …
I was happily single-ish for 5 years but I do think the internet is a rather superb partner-finding place. As long as you can type fast and you pay attention, you can see who is ‘real’.
I don’t know Peter. I just had some nice luck and stumbled upon this guy from Antwerpen
Comment by Di — November 3, 2007 @ 1:01 am |
I must agree with you Di, the Internet is a rather superb partner-finding place. I met my partner in a more classic way, just like it often happens: I stumbled upon him near a vacation swimming pool.
Like yourself, it just happened to be my lucky day.
Sometimes, the internet can become an overloaded candy story for some who are not really looking for a lasting relationship. The past few years I’ve witnessed how online ‘dating’ destroyed a seemingly solid couple. But than again, even without online dating/chatting they probably wouldn’t have lasted.
Guess that like Veronica mentioned a solid personal foundation and a clear goal helps when those first ‘I’m so madly in love” feelings start to collide with the reality of babies, married life and smelly socks
Comment by Peter — November 3, 2007 @ 2:30 am |
Something I’ve witnessed with single friends: they find a partner when they decide a partner is what they want.
When their goal is to go out and have a good time, they are not “surprised’ by love or an unexpected relationship blooming. All the people they meet are “fun” but “not appropriate.” People get eliminated for arbitrary reasons, “there are no good men/women left.”
However, often once they decide they’re ready to settle down, they see their dates and social circle with different eyes. People who would not have gotten a first date or even a second glance look good.
I had a male friend who hit 30 and suddenly became panicked about not being married. He hooked up with a single mom who was not his social or intellectual equal and the relationship went too fast and ended messily. Then he met another woman, who my husband and I considered totally unsuitable for him, and he married her within a matter of months and was divorced within three years.
Another single professional woman friend of mine was dating a guy who was smart, balanced, professional, and active in the community. About six to eight weeks into the relationship, he tried to feel her out on her intentions, because he was interested in a serious, long-term relationship. She was SHOCKED he broached this topic, offended even. She dumped him based not on any character or personality issue but on the basis of that conversation. The irony? In her 40s she would meet and marry a guy who was JUST LIKE THE GUY she dated when she was 30, right down to his profession. When she was 30, she wasn’t ready to acknowledge the value of that kind of guy. In her 40s, she was.
Comment by V-Grrrl — November 4, 2007 @ 2:50 pm |
Unfortunately what you say about working women with hectic lives is quite accurate. I used to travel for work very frequently (2-3 times month), I could barely keep up with friends I know, much less meet new people and get to know them long enough to go beyond just being passing acquaintances. And if your workplace is a dearth of like-minded folks….
Of course, you don’t just sit back and let all that dictate your life. But it’s sometimes easier said than done!
Comment by w — November 4, 2007 @ 3:34 pm |
V, I must agree: quite often it all boils down to a timing issue. And ‘w’, I sure knew the feeling of not finding the time to actively meet new people.
But I’m still surprised how the internet wrecked havoc in the relationships of many couples I know. Sure, those couples were in the dangerzone to start of with, and although online dating is an easy way to meet countless singles, for many it has become a surefire way to get lost in an adult candystore.
If I had to start from scratch, “there appear virtually no eligible bachelors left” may well be a real issue. Being gay, beating the odds in finding a suitable partner is much harder: the number of eligible gay bachelors in my age range is quite limited.
And to be honest, I don’t have an Elisabeth Taylor-like stamina to hunt for husband #8
Comment by Peter — November 5, 2007 @ 1:47 pm |
I think that the media, unfortunately, has given women this ideal to subscribe to, in so far as what the ‘perfect mate’ should act/look like. While I’m all in favor of a romantic movie (my copy of The Notebook is proof of this) real life romance is edgier, darker and often far less concise than Hollywood would like us to believe. Perhaps, if we as a population, spent more time paying attention to one another, truly listening, rather than so immersed in all our electronic gadgets (we can love them when we’re alone) we might have an easier time of meeting and loving someone….
Just my humble opinion.
Bisous,
C.
Comment by Claudia — November 8, 2007 @ 3:12 pm |
All the good men ARE taken! I had an okay one, wasn’t great, but I wasn’t ready to trade him in. Unfortunately the feeling wasn’t mutual and he ran off with a Polish dancer. I take it you’re not allowed to swear here so fill in the blanks – B*****D!
Anyway, I’m sure there are some left and there are more being thrown back into the sea on a daily basis… the problem is of course meeting them and then trying to maintain a relationship. As you get into your 30’s your coupled up friends start replicating or else can’t be arsed to drag themselves off of the couch on a freezing cold Saturday night. And let’s face it, who would in their position?
And then if you do meet someone working it all out doesn’t get any easier the older you get because us ‘gals’ (I use the term loosely) get more unwilling to compromise the older we get (I guess you could say we get more like guys…). In my 20’s I thought nothing of leaving everything behind because I met a guy who thought I should move to Australia with him. When that imploded after 10 years leaving me with no home and very little money I realised I needed to get VERY serious about my career VERY quickly.
Now in my 30’s my latest boyfriend recently dumped me because I am apparently ‘too career oriented’ (his actual words were ” you are totally obsessed with your damn job!” if you must know). As a performer I have to travel for my work and because of the possibility of a period of drought I rarely say no to gigs, even if it means barely sleeping for 3 days. So yet again another relationship goes the way of the dinosaurs and a social ice-age sets in once more.
Thus, here I sit on a freezing cold Saturday night with no one to go out with. I am seriously considering putting my glad rags on and going to a night club on my own. I have even concocted a whole bunch of scenarios that I can tell people (should anyone actually talk to me), “oh, yeah, I’m supposed to be meeting some friends, I hope I’m in the right place!”, or “my friend had to leave because her Shitzu is sick, but I was having such a good time I decided to stay”, or my personal favourite, ” I’m from the University Of Sexuality Of Greater London and we’re looking for case studies”.
Will I go? Probably not. A combination of fear and apathy means that any moment now I will relinquish any notion of being an “It girl” and re-morph into “Blob woman” – couch-bound, vino-laden, DVD-addicted. I am considering internet-dating but it makes me feel sad; whatever happened to just MEETING someone by chance? Oh, yes that’s right… I only leave the house for work and to re-stock on DVDs, chocolate and vino…
But there’s a whole other issue here too. It’s not just that I am an unmanned vessel drifting in the night … I feel like I don’t have any real friends left any more. Friends in a similar position to myself are either too busy or too far to hook up with (we’re talking other-country sometimes other-continent far). And I just don’t have anything in common any more with my girlfriends with babies. I still love them madly and adore their children but the price of kid’s shoes isn’t any more important to me than the nightmare of trying to find a flight that arrives in Bilbao before 9am on a Sunday morning is to them.
One thing is for sure though. I envy them like crazy. I love my career but that’s just as well because I don’t have a choice. I have no one to support me and social security is just not an option. So when I hear my friends moaning about how hard it is to have a family, I do sympathise – but my overwhelming desire is to shake them uncontrollably while I scream “TRY BEING ON YOUR OWN 24-7 YOU UNGRATEFUL COW!”.
Anyway, Peter darling. Your blog is great. And it cheered this sad miserable lonely cow up very much, so thank you! x
Comment by Diva — November 18, 2007 @ 12:21 am |
Diva, I was profoundly touched by your elaborate comment, being both funny and at times truly sad. Being single does allow for what may appear to be “unlimited freedom”, but for many it soon turns into just ‘being on your own’. There’s no denying it: unless your name is Paris Hilton, finding a suitable partner in 2007 is a full time job, a job with no pay and no guarantee that someone will show up at the end of the ride. Trust me, I’ve been there and I know how hard it can be…
I’m glad to read that I cheered you up – fortunately I took the wise decision not to post “look, here’s another busload of misery stories about my s/o”
[I was about to subscribe to your blog when I found out you're posting on MySpace: following a non-existent RSS feed on a members-only social network site does take more time. But I will check out the bits that are available.]
Comment by Peter — November 18, 2007 @ 1:42 pm |
Sadly enough, it is relieving to find other women in the same situation as me. I live in Calgary, Alberta, Canada and this city is full of professional, single men. I have a good stable job in the oil and gas industry, never married, no children and I am 37 years old. I have met men that seem great and then their baggage comes out. Ex-wives that won’t let him be, married men looking for fun on the side, or just plainly not trying in any way. I have actually had a guy slag me because “my time-clock is ticking”. He was dismissed immediately. These are the reasons that women feel that all the good ones are taken. I think the really good ones are the ones that are too shy to walk up and talk to someone. I have been so fed up with it all that I sometimes get mad at God thinking that he played a joke on all the women in the world! I only say that on a really bad day; I know some really amazing guys.
This really sucks for us women in our later 30’s. It causes so many problems with friendships because the fight to find that man is so strong that the back stabbing starts. I have learned that a woman will do anything to get the attention of a man and I find it so pathetic. I really like to sit down and have a conversation with a man and find out what he is about. I don’t want to stand there and giggle and have my breasts hanging out. And I could do that easily because I have big breasts! LOL I hate that we call it the “dating game”. So we should base our entire future on the “game” and then expect our futures and children to turn out great??? So a woman tricks a guy or does her thing to get the man. Does that mean she has to keep up the facade for the rest of her life?
I am very frustrated and confused. I have always been real and true to who I am. That doesn’t seem to be doing anything for me. Does anyone have any advice?
Comment by Laura — December 4, 2007 @ 10:48 pm |
I do hope someone can offer some constructive advice Laura. Although I’m gay, I can perfectly relate to your less than amusing experiences. Dating as a gay male (dating, as in ‘trying to find a suitable partner’) has become a living nightmare overhere. Everyone is focused on youth, perfect looks and “the dating game”. Finding a suitable partner to build a life with has become a daunting task. As half of my straight friends have been divorced (no matter how solid the relationship appeared from the beginning) I can perfectly understand your frustration.
But I’m afraid I have no practical answers or advice to offer.
Comment by Peter — December 5, 2007 @ 1:39 am |
Thank you for your comments Peter. I know it is difficult for gay men since I have a very good gay friend. We had so much fun, but we were both not finding what we wanted. Actually, he met a great guy in Costa Rica and he is really happy. I think I want to give you some advice and say that you will find the one. But, you could say that I will find the one too. It shouldn’t be so difficult, but it is. And I wonder, is it us that is so difficult, or is it the other people? Maybe I think too much of myself. I don’t want to be a statistical relationship that fails. Oh God, I am this modern woman who wants a traditional relationship! WTF??
Comment by Laura — December 7, 2007 @ 5:03 am |
I came across this blog while opening yet another bottle of wine and bar of chocolate – alone – and decided I just needed to add my two penn’orth seeing as it’s a subject that’s been obsessing me for as long as I can remember.
I live in London and the situation is exactly the same over here, ie there really ARE no decent men left. I was watching a programme the other night about women in their 30s who were ‘on a last ditch attempt’ to find a man and it made me want to scream! I mean, has anyone ever heard of any documentaries being made about men and their last ditch attempts to find a woman?
My theory is this: until you’re around 25, both sexes are on a level playing field but once they hit their late 20s, a lot of women are starting to think about settling down and having babies, whereas blokes of that age are still 14 year olds emotionally, therefore the women look to older men, who, of course, are flattered by their attentions. And so it goes on, which doesn’t leave much room for the late 30s + woman. Take a look at any internet dating site and you’ll find the men’s ideal age range in a partner starts at around 20 years their junior, whereas the women are happy to look for a partner 20 years older. Oh, the unfairness!
Laura’s comment about women behaving like bimbos really struck a chord. I know so many intelligent, sane, sorted women who turn into simpering airheads whenever a bloke enters the room. Why? You say you want to be treated like equals, so act like one. I was recently seeing some guy I met on the internet (he was around no.50 and the only one who didn’t make me want to make the sign of the Cross) which ended amicably about three months later so we decided to stay friends. Lo and behold, a week later, and he’s seeing some other woman he’d met online and dumped for me after only two dates. She took him back, no questions asked, even though he said he didn’t want a relationship (ie just sex). The poor thing obviously does want a relationship otherwise she wouldn’t be putting herself through the nightmare of internet dating, so why didn’t she just tell him to f*ck off? Then again, that could be a huge crock of shite and I fell for it!
Just to say that I’m 44 (which makes me want to choak when I say it out loud) don’t look it, don’t act it, am funny, intelligent, have a record collection that most men would kill for, have been ‘getting out there’ for years, have frequently been told that I’m attractive, yet have still managed to spend most of my life single. Why is it that a man of equal attributes could have his pick of womankind?
Anyway, the wine has started to kick in and I could easily start ranting so I’d better sign off now. Good luck to everyone.
Comment by Twinkletoes — December 21, 2007 @ 12:54 am |
Thanks for commenting Twinkletoes. Wish I could offer some constructive advice though. As a gay male (with supposedly no female/male issues when dating) I can only say that I’ve witnessed a stunning display of testosterone-driven “next one please” attitudes during the past couple of decades.
But given the fact that 50% of all marriages are the first step towards divorce these days, having a close emotionally involved friend often beats having a lousy partner.
Comment by Peter — December 21, 2007 @ 1:52 am |
I agree, lousy partner is not good either but sometimes, when the loneliness gets too much to bear, it seems that anything is better than nothing. It’s not of course, having been there, done that!
BTW, is everyone on here English or Belgian? If it’s the latter, am very impressed by the standard of English!
Comment by Twinkletoes — December 21, 2007 @ 3:53 pm |
Most readers are American, English or have English as their second or third language Twinkletoes.
Many Dutch speaking Belgians are multi-lingual, and quite proud to be so
Comment by Peter — December 21, 2007 @ 4:48 pm |
It’s lovely to come across so many articulate comments on the topic of singleness sans gender wars.
I’m 32 and single, and although I’ll never say this out loud, I’ve almost given up hope of meeting a man. It’s a quiet resignation, but a deep one that hurts so very much because I feel that by surrendering, I’ve already lost. But the struggle is too painful, and the unknown too frightening, the essence of life is outside my control.
Oh to meet a man who is kind-hearted, shares my values, and respects my interests! Is that too much to ask? Am I being too picky? I don’t think so! What I want seems so simple – and yet it’s so hard to find!
I dream of exercising my choice to be a stay at home mum within a mutually supportive relationship. From the bottom of my heart I believe that we choose to love, and we choose to commit to someone, and I will work as hard as I can to maintain my side of the love/commitment pact.
And yet…I still come home to an empty flat every night, and lately I can’t sleep for fear that I won’t be loved in the way I see other people being loved every day, with ease, and no (visible) understanding of just how lucky they are.
I’ve lived abroad, travelled the world, and gained a good education – I pursue creative hobbies, stand up for what I believe in, volunteer for a cause I’m passionate about, and look for the beauty in everything. I’m upbeat, inclusive, kind, and compassionate. Naturally I have lesser qualities too, but I don’t believe I have any more – or less – than most other people.
However I’m finding the older I get, the less men give me a chance to love them. I’m discounted by men in their thirties on sight, even though I make the effort to dress fashionably, have a stylish haircut, and maintain a slim figure. I see it on their faces when I walk by them, and I’ve stopped online dating because after two years, the constant rejection and comments about my appearance are damaging my self-esteem.
It hurts so much that I allow any man, no matter what he looks like, to show me his inner beauty; but even plain men feel entitled to a media-approved svelte nymphette, and anything less (me!) is unthinkable. Is it because I’m very short? Is it because I can’t offer a man a status boost through youth, money, social standing, or ? Is it because the world tells men my body clock is ticking and having sex for any other reason besides pure pleasure is increasingly taboo?
Four years of being single is now taking its toll on me. I’ve begun to wish that my family would select a man for me based on our values, and we would agree to commit to each other, and nurture the love that comes from commitment, while mutually supporting the children we will have. But this is not how we do things in the West.
What becomes of single women in their thirties who want children within a relationship?
Apologies for my rant, but I feel so distressed…confused…and dare I say it, betrayed.
[Blog author: "Thank you for sharing your personal emotions, all the way from Australia. You know, in a way I can perfectly relate to what you're going through. I may well be gay, male and in a relationship, but I've been there too: discounted by men in their thirties on sight, seen as an 'undesirable partner' for whatever reason. I lost my previous partner (along with my suburban house, dog and part of my assets) but just happened to run into someone special a couple of years ago. And yes, it's hard to find a male partner who is committed (most gay men I met in my life were fundamentally hunters), but I guess in the end it's all a matter of luck. Really: sheer luck. No matter how distressed you may feel at present, don't give up trying. You may not get the complete package, but you deserve some happiness. Hugs from a rainy Belgium. "]
Comment by Not bitter, just sad. Promise! — July 16, 2008 @ 2:37 pm |
Great blog. I am a Man who became divorced in December (no choice of my own). So accepting that my ex’s individual pursuit of her dreams was more important than a joint pursuit of mutual dreams I tried to move on and ventured into internet dating. I met a couple of Women, one a single Mother who was charismatic as could be the other a delightful strawberry blonde charmer. Both decided I was no good after corresponding and dating me quite intensively in the latter case. I must have said the wrong thing. In fact, I know I said the wrong thing. As a Man, I feel like I’m walking on egg shells to please women and feel I just can’t be me If I intend on having any long term chance of success.
I agree with the comments about timing and that what might not have been suitable for a woman at 30, might be at 40. As a man, this does not impress me and indicates to me love is not the priority but convenience. In my mind and heart, love is not a matter of convenience but a natural state of affairs. Self help activists will gladly point out we are not necessarily meant to be united as couples, and in some cases that is true. However, when the ethos becomes such that more and more individuals choose to divorce and not be united it would seem natures course has become askew for something a little less than natural. Are we challenging Mother nature by demanding our way is the only way when it comes to concubinage? and if so, who’s right? Us or Mother nature. But that’s a little too abstract.
You sound like an interesting and fair minded group of women, I’d like to give you all my email but I can’t!
I’m now 35, and am pretty much starting my life all over again from scratch. I’m “damaged goods” now which makes me a “write off” in many Women’s minds. If I seem the slightest bit emotionally needy it’s misinterpreted as being desperate rather than me licking the painful scars I’ve received from being the victim of repetitive emotional abuse. I mean let’s face it, Women (not all and this is debatable) are generally emotionally more intelligent than men, not that men don’t have their strengths. The point being, why exploit those strengths if they come flying back in our face? In other words, if zero sum game is the name of the game, and quid pro quo takes a back seat, someone’s always going to lose especially if you actually intend to love fair. Online dating does seem like a candy store, and I’m too old to be eating candy obsessively, at least that kind of candy.
[Blog author: "Thank you for sharing this personal story. I can only add my own experience: dating in 2008 can be a nightmare, with unreasonably high expectations and a degree of "what's in it for me" that totally baffles me. Rough times for being single and just needing a caring partner. "]
Comment by Man — August 11, 2008 @ 2:35 pm |
Thanks, I’ve enjoyed reading this. I found the blog after typing in ’single women thirties’, not so much out of desperation as in an attempt to find some encouragement and see my situation in a more positive light. And it’s kind of worked! Even though people here are obviously equally frustrated with the situation they find themselves in, it is refreshing to read their intelligent comments. I can especially identify with Diva’s feelings about her friends. An ex, who is now married with a child, recently told me he is not happy and often feels lonely. He pointed out that, in comparison to him, I am in a better position to make changes to my life. I could see the point he was trying to make, but couldn’t find much sympathy for him. He has no idea what it’s like to come home to an empty house night after night, week after week, month after month and year after year, or to have only oneself to rely on for everything, from paying the mortgage down to putting the bins out! I told him to go home and be grateful for what he has.
[Blog author: "You made the right choice by making him face reality JJ. Most people are not programmed to be single, although this society makes it ever harder to find a suitable partner. "]
Comment by JJ — December 11, 2008 @ 4:37 pm |
Many of us professional men end up marrying unprofessional women. This is because there is a big pool of unprofesssional women available. Also they tend to make better wives, i.e do not work long hours and can thus spend more time looking after our children and homes.
Many professional men also feel short changed by the education system, i.e it is set up to benefit females in industrialised countries. With this and University feminists, a lot of us do not want to marry professional women as they represent what we want to leave behind.
Comment by Nathan — October 26, 2009 @ 11:59 am |
Well if you think it is difficult elsewhere then try Costa Rica. I am a North American here living in a secluded area etc. with not so perfect Spanish. Well the North American men here are here to get away from North American women. I have tried the dating sites and have not given up completely but it does look like people advertise what they want and then when approached are so wrapped up in their jobs etc. It is well why did you put your ad on there in the first place then. Not sure if I will find a loving and caring person but I will for now keep trying. It is difficult and worse when your mother says can you not just bump into someone. Well obviously she has been out of the ball park for awhile……………ha……
Comment by Debora Edholm — October 28, 2009 @ 1:08 am |
I am a professional man of 31, with a degree in Civil Engineering and an MBA. I have 10 male friends aged 30-34 who are Accountants, Lawyers, Software Analysts, Engineers and Medical. Only two have professional women as girlfriends, mine is a Nurse and a friend dates an Artist. I helped my Nurse girlfriend to get her degree by doing her maths coursework for her and re-writing a couple of her assignments (she is from Thailand originally and has English language problems).
As a general rule, we all prefer not to date professional women, although all of us did when we were younger, e.g. while at University and a 2-3 years after leaving. The reasons why we do not date professional women are broadly as follows:
• We made it through a feminized secondary education system, with some feminist teachers who sometimes unfairly gave the girls better marks than us, for lower quality work. At University we similarly had to put up with hostile feminists. As a result, we want to forget our educational years and get on with life. Having a professional girlfriend reminds you of University.
• As a result of a feminized education system, there are a larger number of younger female professionals than male.
• As a professional man, we have a comparatively deep pool of women from whom to choose. A professional man can marry down, at his own level and sometimes up in terms of our potential wives’ education and wealth. Marrying up is usually not a preferred option, however. A greater percentage of professional men are in a long term term relationship with a woman by their mid 30’s. Professional women mainly restrict themselves to marrying at their own level or up. If a professional woman does want to marry down, her choices are limited as most Tradesmen marry in their early 20’s.
• Professional men tend to be of higher intelligence and often of open mind. Thus more professional men than unprofessional do not see marriage and children as a good option. I live with my girlfriend but we are not married and we keep our finances separate. We do not intend to have children. This type of relationship is becoming more popular with professional men.
• Professional women generally work long hours and if a professional man wants children, the woman does not have time to look after them properly. The man thus has to spend more time looking after the children away from his career. Professional women also often expect more from their professional husbands in terms of childcare, e.g. attitudes like “This is a joint relationship, you should take your turn” prevail. This is not such an issue with an unprofessional woman.
• Many professional women are not as attractive as their unprofessional counterparts in terms of appearance and femininity. This appears mainly due to the fact that professional women work hard.
[Blog author: "thanks for your views on this issue from Australia. Off-topic: you wrote the longest comment I released this year
"]
Comment by Nathan Ford — October 28, 2009 @ 11:09 pm |